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JVIYSTE^Y 



Substitute for Wit. 



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Mike Whelan. 



PRICK, ONE DOLLAR. 



KANSAS CITY, MO.: 

M. J. MADICK, PRINTER, 423 WALNUT STREET. 

1889. 



JVTYSTE^Y 



Substitute for Wit. 



Mike Whelan. 



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KANSAS CITY, MO.: 

M. I MA DICK, PRINTER, 423 WA1.KUT STREET, 

1889. 



JHRIENDS can aid in circulating their views 
^y| as printed in this Prospectus ; all orders 
for which, and all remittances, must be direc- 
ted to— 

M. WHELAN, 
No: 15 15 Cherry Street, 

Kansas City, Missouri, 
U. S. 



fO the Paid Subscribers of the Incident, a 
copy of this pamphlet will be sent free on 
request. 



Entered according to act of Congress, in the year 1889, by 

Mike Whelan, in the office of the Librarian of 

Congress, at Washington, D. C. 



MYSTERY. 
A SUBSTITUTE FOR WIT 

The substitute is the most noted fea- 
ture of our present civilization. This 
proposition has no bearing as to the 
value of mystery over wit further than 
as either may be taken or understood. 
It is assumed that certain ideas are made 
more forcible by their mysteriousness 
or that mystery lends a piquancy, as for 
instance, "Oratory" like ''Linked Sau- 
sage'* the more snap there is to it the 
better it takes hold on an audience. My 
design was to lecture upon the subject 
and though fully satisfied in my own 
mind of the many valuable charms that 
attach themselves to the substitute over 
the original, yet I did not have the re- 
quisite egotism to bring it before the 
public without first laying the project 
before certain of my acquaintances in 
doing which I chose the most prominent 
men in the different lines ol thought and 



action. With this end in view and with 
my friend, "Mark" along, I proceed to 
take the views of my friends and to note 
them down 'as they are given. It may 
be well to state that Mark will do the 
questioning and make any outside re- 
marks that are made on the views given 
by my friends, and though sometimes 
sarcastic he is rarely unjust. 

The interview of my friend "Afflu- 
ence : Mr. Affluence is a noted political 
economist. Though not an active pro- 
ducer he holds large protected interests 
in a number of institutions. Having 
read the design of the lecture, he said : 
''Splendid idea ; no better illustration of 
the protection of our industries ; ' Linked 
Sausage,' very expressive indeed. This 
idea of yours must strike the ' Free 
Trader' very forcibly and must cause 
them to laugh. As a political economist 
you have my thanks." 

Mark: "The less genius and the 
more hog a man brings to market the 
better he fares. Yet that man is a phil- 
osopher ; he is willing those paying for 
the joke should do the grinning." 



5 



Mr. Footit is a free trader. His 
views : c< Yes yes, the 'Linked Sausage ' 
fully illustrates the infamy perpetrated 
by protection. It shows what a thin 
covering there is to the cheat and how 
easily it may be concealed. Protection 
is an insult to honest purpose. It makes 
the workers a party to the cheat besides 
qualifying them for other crime. It is a 
bonus for the surplus labor of Europe 
that makes tramps and paupers of us." 

Mr. Arbitration, a walking delegate 
of the " Knights of Labor'' expresses 
himself: " 'Linked Sausage' comes as 
near expressing the design and purpose 
of the ' K. of L.' as anything that could 
be thought of. It represents co-opera- 
tion linking industry with secrecy." 

Mark : "It is thought that the l K. of 
L! is not a secret organization, at least 
some Roman Catholics hold that view. 
Well yes that is true only to a certain 
extent. The 'A. K.' or ritual of secret 
work seldom gets out of the officers' 
possession, and there is nothing in the 
Constitution which Catholics can object 
to." 



6 

Mark, after the delegate had left : 
" Well, well, it is just as I knew and 
said to Catholics, that the secret work 
of the l K. of L! was kept in the dark 
as well as the POPE!" 

N. B. Mark was master workman 
in the Knights of Labor organization, 
for as he says : " about five minutes." 
Mark is more catholic than Roman 
which accounts for his sudden withdraw- 
al from them. 

Mr. Thoughtful who is said to be an 
Anarchist: "Well no the ' Linked Saus- 
age,' though it points to the manner of 
concealing dynamite, as in cartridges, it 
can have no meaning in such regard to 
men who think as I do. The anarchism 
that I hold is that love of freedom that 
inhears to all civilized beings. Our 
philosophy is larger than the earth and 
broader than the heavens and is calcu- 
lated to operate upon the body politic as 
Iodide of Potassium acts upon the phys- 
ical body. Not handicapped by social or 
other isms, it is held by us that the whole 
world is not worth the sacrifice of one 
human life, nor would we beat any one 



7 
out of a dollar, nor cheat them out of a 
dollars worth." 

It will be observed that my friend 
Mark made no comment upon the inter- 
view of Mr. Thoughtful. I can only ac- 
count for it in this way. Mark is an in- 
ventor. He has invented a device to be 
known as the Membrain Grip, the pur- 
pose of which as the specification dis- 
close in his application for a pat- 
ent is to open the eyes of those that are 
closed to the worst features of the pres- 
ent economic system. 

Mr, Culture, who is a farmer and a 
member of the legislature : " The 
'Linked Sausage ' is very pointed. It 
strikes us law makers pretty hard. The 
fact is there is too much mystery and 
concealment where there should be 
none. We farmers are responsible, for 
we are really the law makers, that is as 
far as numbers go, though we make 
none, because all the laws and charters 
are made by interested parties on the 
outside. So we merely by our votes 
make them laws. The great mass may 
not be prepared to draw a check on a 



8 
bank yet by a simple piece of paper they 
can draw a Legislature. This fact should 
warn us of our danger, because were 
power so placed, the visionary schemes 
of the reformer would at any time 
ruin us. For instance, were all the tax 
for the support of our free institutions 
to be collected of the land our position 
woulcl be deplorable. Should crops 
fail, or sickness prevail in the family the 
result would be helter skelter or the devil 
take the hind most. This means the 
worst phase of confiscation." 

Mark : I hold that it should be the 
sole business of the legislator to equalize 
the bounties of nature according to the 
strength or weakness of every creature 
and that those who regulate industry 
should have that end in view all the 
time. Nor is it sound philosophy 

to place either a tax or a price upon 
land because all depend upon it for ex- 
istence, consequently it should not be 
made a commodity of that is liable to be 
bartered and sold or gambled away, thus 
diverting it from its proper use and pur- 
pose. The diverting of the land from its 



proper use and purpose is mainly the 
cause of a good deal of the crime and 
most of the suffering and destitution 
amongst otherwise enlightened and pros- 
perous nations. I hold that Occupancy 
and Occupation should be the only title 
to the possession of the land free and 
unrestricted by either price or tax." 

The interview of Professor Sneermost. 
The professor was the teacher of law 
and physics in the college of Dam. Dis- 
agreements were frequent between him 
and Professor Caremost, the teacher of 
moral philosophy and Belles Letters. On 
the discipline of the institution Caremost 
usually had the best of the discussions, 
as well as the full approval of the con- 
servators of the institution. This made 
Sneermost very jealous of his successful 
rival as he was a rigid disciplinarian to 
have his theories upset by the logic of 
the moral philosopher. But it is rather 
funny, the cause that led to the final out- 
break aud the withdrawal of Sneermost 
from the school. The question, it may 
be said, did not belong to either of their 
professions to solve, viz : the cure of 



10 
"hydrophobia!' The theory of Professor 
Sneermost was that the blood of the dog 
injected into the system would be an an- 
tidote for the disease in the human being. 
Professor Caremost held that natural 
remedies for unnatural disorders may 
be found. He cited a case to confirm 
this view wherein he had noticed a bird 
after sipping the poison from an animal 
that had died from the disease, fly 
straight to a rose bush in a garden close 
by and commence pecking and sipping of 
the juice of the hairy excrescence that 
grow upon the rose bush the same as 
on the oak of the forest. Reason if not 
science would suggest a decoction or tea 
be extracted from the excrescence and 
given to the patient as an antidote for 
the poison of the dog. The color of the 
juice of the excrescence and the blood of 
the dog are identical. The extra length 
of this introduction of my friend Profes- 
sor Sneermost is justified by his great 
prominence. 

Professor Sneermost : " The ' linked 
sausage ' is an apt illustration of what I 
have always tried to convince the ignor- 



11 

ant, while at the same time giving them 
sound instruction for their government, 
viz : natural objects may be linked and 
their strength and value be calculated 
by their specific gravity, the link or 
strain to equal the object in view, the ob- 
ject to be gained governing the result 
obtained." 

Mark: ''The Professor is an intel- 
lectual blasphemer, because any theory 
whose purpose is not to embellish or en- 
large natural opportunities is mischie- 
vous and unworthy of serious or -intel- 
ligent consideration. A fact needs no 
qualification, its products decides its ap- 
plication." 

The interview of my friend Analysis : 
Mr. Analysis: "The 'linked sausage' 
fully illustrates the abstract principle by 
the proposition ' snap.' The word ' snap ' 
is suggestive of dog. Dog is not an ab- 
stract principle, but it is the active prin- 
ciple in politics as well as in the profes- 
sion of the law. The dog is a social an- 
imal, not by nature, but by acquisition. 
Nature has been more kind to the dog 
than to the politician or the lawyer. The 



12 

requisite wisdom that they must acquire 
to be successful is gall and bluster. This 
wisdom is natural to the dog. The dog 
has a worm in his tongue that makes 
speech impossible, else training schools 
for the politician and the lawyer would 
be unheard of. Thus the abstract prop- 
osition ' snap ' becomes the active as re- 
lating to the dog or the lawyer." 

Mark : li I hold that the training of 
the lawyer unfits him for any honorable 
position in society ; much less — that it 
qualifies him to make laws to regulate 
industry or commerce. Their useful- 
ness, if they have any, should be confined 
to the practice of their profession, though 
it is very wrong to oblige any person to 
practice a profession not based on either 
moral or philosophical principles. As 
to the dog, he is supplied by nature with 
instinct, so that some philosophers ac- 
count it moral ; but the profession of the 
law can figure out nothing in logic that 
will pass for ethics but rotten sentiment." 

The interview of my friend Subtile. 
Mr. Subtile is much thought of as a met- 
aphysician ; his views : " 'Linked sau- 



13 

sage' fully illustrates the theory of evo- 
lution materially considered, as all the 
inherent qualities or principles are con- 
tained under the cover of the mysterious 
' sausage,' and were it not for the fact 
that popular education, which may be il- 
lustrated by the same ' linked sausage,' 
and almost in the same words creates a 
mystery where there should be none. 
The 'sausage' fitly illustrates such edu- 
cation as ' hide bound.' " 

The absence of Mark, or any com- 
ment upon the above interview, will be 
fully explained further along. His time 
will be taken up in getting the work of 
his patent device, i. e., the Membrain 
Grip, into shape for the purpose of illus- 
tration as previously referred to, on 
which account I will close the interview- 
ing with the interview of a reporter. 

Reporter : "Your lecture should prove 
a howling success. There is lots of mys- 
tery under the cover of 'linked sausage,' 
that it contains 'snap' that takes hold 
on an audience, if not on their intellects 
at least on their stomachs, may reason- 
ably be accepted. It reminds me of an 



14 
interview that I wrote up for our paper. 
There is a seeming coincidence in the 
character of each subject. The Major 
gives Makebelieve a sinecure position, 
no other would fit him as he is laziness 
personified. It may be said of him that 
his most prominent inheritance was the 
lurking fever. Now in order to draw 
Makebelieve out and have a joke at his 
expense I attacked him on his weakness 
jokingly. I said to him ' Makebelieve, 
I understand the Major is going to give 
you the grand bounce.' 

"Makebelieve: 'I dunno sir, I've 
done nothing to earn it! " 

The foregoing interviews fully illus- 
trate the fact that mysterious objects 
take on the color of a person's thoughts. 
Those of a political nature would seem 
to have their features colored from the 
present administration's gallipot or from 
democracy generally. The proposition 
was designed to elicit comments varied 
and philosophical, consequently the lec- 
turer in reviewing the different inter- 
views will endeavor to discuss them from 
just and reasonable premises. « Tis plain 



15 

that in order to understand the design 
of the artist we must be in line with his 
canvas, and though allegory and meta- 
phor are the proper weapons to discuss 
foul subjects before a polite public, the 
importance of the subjects elicited by the 
interviews, will be the lecturer's justifi- 
cation for the use of pretty plain speech 
in the following review. It will be now 
in order to state a few basic principles : 

i st. Conditions are the greatest hu- 
manizing agencies known to moral phil- 
osophy or economic science. 

2d. Money may ameliorate, but will 
not redress the wrongs of a people. 

3d. Policy is a monster of many 
heads, i. e., equity, arbitration, diplomacy, 
expediency, &c, &c. 

4th. This country is just worth all 
that can be got out of it for home con- 
sumption. 

5th. In a government of the people 
for the people, it is a blasphemous idea 
to say that the producer shall have no 
interest in what his labor and industry 
creates above the actual cost of produc- 
tion. 



16 

6th. The investment of money in 
society is a curse, while the investment 
of money in industry is a benefit to 
society. 

7th. Principles suggest conditions, 
while policy demands schemes. 

8th. Principles will raise humanity 
out of the rut of vice and ignorance as 
though it was gifted with the wings of a 
dove, while policy demands the eagle's 
beak and claws. 

With those few basic principles, and 
the declaration that they are the prin- 
ciples of all who have the best interests 
of humanity at heart, the review commen- 
ces with the interview of Mr. Affluence. 
At this point I am apprised by the artist 
that it will take more time than I had 
any idea of to perfect the engraving for 
the illustration of the Review. The delay 
it is presumed will serve a profitable 
purpose by admitting the publication of 
this much as an advertisement, or a sort 
of a prospectus for the book proper, i. e„ 
the Review. Besides it will give my 
friends the pleasure of seeing their views 
in print in time to make any correction 



17 
or suggestion they may desire. In com- 
pliment to the newspaper reporter allow- 
ing himself to be interviewed upon the 
subject of Mystery, a Substitute for 
Wit, it is decided to charge the maxim- 
um rate for this advertisement, though 
I allow it is something unusual to charge 
for advertisements in pamphlet form. 

Feeling somewhat puzzled as to the 
best manner of letting the public know 
when the Review would be ready for 
circulation, that they might send on the 

subscription of $ , I had recourse to 

my friend Mark, for advice as to the 
best plan to accomplish the desired re- 
sult. 

Mark : " Nothing easier, I will take 
just one link of the 'linked sausage' and 
I will render it out by my patent device, 
the aroma from which will strike the ol- 
factory nerve of the 'Johnston Webster' 
element of present and future genera- 
tions. You may rely upon the ' Mem- 
brain Grip.' " 

To conclude this pamphlet, or adver- 
tisement, I cannot do better than des- 
cribe a scene that occurred in Edinburgh 



18 
Scotland. There is no mention of such 
scene in any version of Burn's Poems 
that I have seen ; Burns had com- 
posed the song Is There for Honest 
Poverty ; being in company of two boon 
companions one evening after his first 
visit to Edinburgh, viz: Alexander Coch- 
ran and Alexander Richie. Cochran 
was an actor as well as a wit, while 
Richie was by trade a stone-cutter. Up- 
on the song being rendered by the poet, 
Alex. Richie declared such sentiments 
should find a place in print. Up to this 
time Burns was not known in print 
either as poet or philosopher, that he 
was both his answer goes to show, as 
well as that he knew his genius and saw 
his difficulties. To Richie he answered : 
"The rarest bird in pins, 

" From cottage cage or heather j 
" Flat falls the notes he sings, 

" When he is not in feather." 

To this Cochran the actor replied : 

" If you design in print to shine and a' that, 
"Just dip your pen in carmine ; 
" It will then be red for a' that." 

This witty advice will be made a 

prominent feature of the Review. 



\mmmSL 0F CONGRESS 



027 273 622 4 



